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Rotten Fruit
Fruity stories

Rotten Fruit

The most popular band in the world..... and they're FRUIT!

Rotten Fruit

(Created by Eli Roth and Noah Belson)
Name: Simon Apple
Fruit: Orange
Birthplace: Bolton, England
Age: 26
Occupation: Lead Guitar
Temperament: Irrationally violent, then suddenly “huggy.”
Dislikes: Nosey wives who don’t know to mind their business, groupies who can’t keep their gobs shut when talking to nosey wives, unlocked doors, green M&Ms
Likes: Privacy, unprotected sex with groupies, a good football riot, entomology
Name: Ian
Fruit: Apple
Birthplace: Kent, England
Age: 24
Occupation: Lead Singer, Bird Lover
Temperament: Completely indifferent
Dislikes: His fans, success, fame, money, music, Shirley Bassey’s Website (
Likes: Mum’s Shepherd’s Pie, Rainbows, Shirley Bassey (but not her website)
Name: Claude
Fruit: Carrot
Birthplace: Hampstead Heath
Age: 22
Occupation: Guitar Player
Temperament: 80% friendly, with a 20% chance of pissy
Likes: Making his own techno music, Yamaha home organs, kimonos
Dislikes: Comments about his toupee, cheap toupee glue
Name: Banandar
Fruit: Banana
Birthplace: Belfast, Ireland
Age: 27
Occupation: Rhythm Guitar Player, Ex-I.R.A. Terrorist
Temperament: Suspicious, Bitter
Dislikes: The latest P.M., peace between England and Ireland, bombs that fail to go off, people asking him if he knows leprechauns
Likes: Loud explosions, extremely long fuses, a lack of evidence, and leprechauns
Name: Linus
Fruit: Pineapple
Birthplace: Kingston, Jamaica
Age: 30
Occupation: Drummer
Temperament: Laid back and chemically enhanced
Dislikes: Being hassled by the pigs, having to move at all
Likes: Jammin’, watching telly, making bongs out of stuff
Name: Shaggy
Fruit: Coconut
Birthplace: Liverpool, England
Age: 40
Occupation: Bass player
Temperament: Calm, fun loving, clueless
Dislikes: Sobering up, being hit in the head with bottles by Simon and Banandar, those pesky statutory rape laws, caller I.D.
Likes: Underage groupies, fanciful codpieces, his prized guitar that Jimi Hendrix once took a shit on, mackerel
Name: Lerryn
Fruit: Lemon
Birthplace: London’s East End
Age: 25
Occupation: Tambourine player, Simon’s wife
Temperament: Jealous, with a mouth like a sailor. Often pregnant
Dislikes: Her bastard husband, her bastard husband’s bandmates
Likes: A nice spot of tea and a Woman’s Own, penicillin, a good fag after a good shag
Name: Guy Shapiro
Fruit: Fruit Pie (filling type unknown)
Birthplace: Great Neck, N.Y.
Age: 40
Occupation: Manager Extraordinaire
Temperament: Impatient, abusive, insecure and all smiles
Dislikes: Waiting for anything, retarded interns, his stupid fucking cell phone that can never get a goddamn signal (who makes these things?), people who can’t be swayed by money
Likes: Screaming at people, being obeyed, creative accounting

"Because fruit have feelings too!"