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BOTTOM FRENZIES: F.A.Q

What is a Bottom Frenzy???
A Bottom Frenzy is a way of keeping both Jennerz Your God and 'Claudia: God Of All Bottom' amused, amist the sheer bordom of Biology lessons! Basically, we quote lines from Bottom to keep ourselves happy and smilin'!

What exactly IS Bottom???
You've never heard of Bottom?!? ARE YOU MAD! ("Im completely insane!" - Eddie). Well, lets start with the basics. Bottom is the most hilarious comedy on TV, written by and starring Rik Mayall and Ade Edmondson. Its so good "it'll have grannies wetting their knickers!!!" (a quote of Richie. I am, infact, in the middle of a Bottom Frenzy!)

Rik???
Rik plays the "sad, pastic, winker" that is Richard Richard... "a sad, fat phyco whos just shat his big girls pants and fallen into the latrine!"! Hes in a desperate search to lose his virginity, and all he need is the love of a good woman. "Well, not even a good one, any old one would do. Slap a wig on a 'Speak-Your-Weight' machine and hes happy!" Hes already punctured 'Monica' beyond repair! Currently living in his aunties flat with the flatulant boozehound, going by the alias Eddie, and hating all things to do with this guy!

Ade???
Ade plays Edward Elizabeth Hitler, better known as Eddie, or "Chopper Hitler" to his 'two great mates'. Forever drunk and trying to block out his life with Richie, Eddie spends most nights in his local, The Lamb And Flag pub, with Spudgun and Dave Hedgehog ("Its funnier in the pub"). Don't ask why they have such odd names, they just request random objects that only Richie wouldnt notice as weird! Anywho, Eddie is a "bald headed loony tune" whos past-times include getting drunk, watching Miss World and kicking Richie in the bollocks!

What are the symptoms of a Bottom Frenzy???
- You start to quote Bottom
- You become aquanted with drinking the kitchen bleach and eating the lard. Your excuse is "Im hungry but Im too drunk to cook!"
- You say "oo-eer!" at everything, even when its not in the slightlest bit rude!
- You begin to question your flatmates sanity.
- You begin to question your own sanity.
- You find yourself either forever drunk or forever wanking.

How do I recover from such a Frenzy???
There is no sure-fire way to recover instantly, and you may be in for days, maybe even weeks, of living in your own little world of Eddie and Richie orientated nonsense! But, never fear, everything is said to have a cure, and here it is for a Bottom Frenzy:
- Proceed towards the television set and watch endless hours of Bottom. Use the remote control that you recieved for your birthday, but make sure you don't use the comb ("and don't steal all my birds!")
- Kick someone in the bollocks.
- Make a cocktail of pernod, ouzo and a blob of marmalade with salt around the rim (also known as an "Ester Rantzen"). Drink straight down but dont be suprised when it pulls your gums back over your teeth.
- Play a game of chess using prawns, tomato sauce bottles, Spiderman statues and sausages.

What if this doesnt work???
Well, theres always a back-up to every solution, so here goes. If these cures don't seem to work, then watch a few hours of Bottom Live, and then hit someone repeatedly with a frying pan shouting "YOU BASTRD! YOU BASTARD!"

What about extreme cases???
Well, in some cases, it has been known for people to go temporarily insane and do the extreme to show their love for Bottom. Such cases include the man who only changed his underpants every 7 months, insisting that he "only put them on in Febuary!". Then, a woman insisted that she was the real Edward Elizabeth Hitler, and shaved all her hair off, wore a brown hat and jacket and even stayed drunk for a record time!
In these such cases, there is no cure. 'Claudia:God Of All Bottom' and myself are fast aproching this stage.

Can a Bottom Frenzy harm you???
Of course not you foolish wank-biscuit!!

Can a Bottom Frenzy harm others???
But of course! You can injure your friends both mentally and physically by:
- Kicking them in the bollocks
- Hitting them with a cricket bat
- Tauting them for being "sad, fat phycos"
- Annoying the hell out of them for repeatedly saying "Palm treeees.... beeach-eees... Bam-boo!"
- Making them play chess with prawns, and say that you're James Bond and if you lose then you've got to die!
- Making them play games of "Put A Bit Of Salotape On The Fridge".

Have Fun!

How can I get more information about Bottom and/or Frenzies???
Visit www.ediesbra.netfirms.com <http://www.ediesbra.netfirms.com/>
( 2003 S.Greenwood and L.Allen.... Both genius' in the art of making me laugh)

This site is excellent! Very informative, especially in the World Of Bottom, and very fun also!THE BEST OF BOTTOM QUOTES!

"Eddie, what in the name of greek buggery is the use of a plastic duck?!" - Richie, losing his temper whilst questioning Eddie, and not for the first time

"Hey! Why don't we just jump and use your voluminous trousers as a parachute?" - Eddie and his sugestions! tut!

"Night Night, sleep tight. Hope the bed bugs do not bite. If they do, do a poo. Stick it in an irish stew. Into the ambulance dring dring dring. Fish trousers elephant in Peking. Saw a busy bee tiddle tiddle dee. Daddys an accountant just like me. Night Night god bless." - Richies "Goodnight" song

"You know... I think I might come back as a Bra!" - Eddie never ceases to amaze me

"So let me get this right - vicars can only go sideways, well there's no surprise there, and the Queen goes in all directions, and apparently if a prawn goes all the way it turns into a queen? And they let children play this game you say?" - Richie, getting to grips with the rules of Chess

"Oh, shut up. Every day, yakkety bloody yak, on and on and on! Day in, day out - slime in this ear, slime in that ear. JUST STOP TALKING!!!" - Eddie, losing his temper with Richie, who is excessivly talking bollocks!

"Stand back, birds! It's the Hammersmith Hard Men!" - Richie, trying to make all the birds think that hes not the sad pathetic virgin, which he infact is.

"Richard, I'm warning you. If you don't shut up and let me watch "Miss World" I'm going to stuff your head up your bum. And you'll spend the rest of your life wandering around on all fours looking for the light switch." - Nothing gets between Eddie and his love for pretty girls with big jugs and tiny dresses!

"This is unbearable. We could be missing a Watchdog special on faulty bikinis!" - Eddie, can he stay sane without such TV sceduling??

"Well maybe we should eat our flakes!" - Eddie, sugesting the unsugestable!

"Well, you learn something new everyday. And today I learnt that your a complete bastard!" - Richie, doing a bit of learning